On Breastfeeding, Or A Lack There Of

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Maybe breastfeeding is a pretty intense topic to jump right into, but it’s a struggle I’ve been through and it ended up shaping my first six months as a mother more than I ever would have dreamed. Of course, it’s a much talked about and debated subject. I know every mommy has something to say about it, so let’s get going.

At this point in time, I don’t think there is much debate about whether breast milk is better than formula or not. Everyone seems to know “breast is best.” Why, then, do women still choose to feed their babies formula? We’ll come back to that.

First, I want to offer you a perspective from a mother who would weep multiple times a day while trying to feed her daughter… my perspective. I was determined to breastfeed Emilia for at least the first year before she was even born. Once I actually brought this newborn baby home, all I felt was an almost animalistic instinct to keep her alive. It seems like something that should be left unspoken, and maybe I am being dramatic, but early parenthood to me felt like a period of time where the main goal is just to make it possible for this little creature to go on living.

And to sustain that life, a baby’s main need is nutrients. All I had to do was produce that liquid gold and get it into her body. Easy, right? Not so much. I had very low milk production. So low that my daughter would latch on, get nothing, and give up in frustration. The first 24 hours that we had her home, I could not get her to eat and if she didn’t eat I wouldn’t produce. That’s how breast feeding works: supply and demand. We had to give her formula just to sustain her. After constant pumping and attempting to get her to latch on, we finally got the milk flowing. But low production plagued me the entire time I breastfed, which was six months.

The breastfeeding experience as a whole was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Like I said, the instinct to feed my baby was overwhelming, and as a mother, it seemed like it should be the most basic need I could provide for. Yet, my body wasn’t doing it. It just wasn’t producing. I’m not sure I can really put into words the heartbreak of that time. I cried because she cried because she was never satisfied after I fed her. I cried because I hated myself, my body, for not providing. I cried because I didn’t want to face the judgment from other mothers if I decided to quit breastfeeding. I knew so many women would think that I just gave up, and they would think I was selfish for doing so.

The truth is I could have breastfed for longer. I didn’t begin weaning my daughter because I had nothing to offer her. I could have gone on just supplementing with formula for longer, and I chose not to. In a sense, maybe I did give up. My goal in the end, though, was to be a better mother. Sure, breast is best, but at some point I had to look at myself and see what this strain was doing to me and my family. My husband was at a complete loss. There is only so much a man can do to help a woman produce more breast milk. My tiny daughter was constantly frustrated by hunger. And I was at my wit’s end.

Of course I wanted to provide the absolute best foundational nutrition for my daughter and I made the choice to stop because the cost became too great. Formula offered me my sanity back and I took it. Yes, for myself, but also because my daughter needed her mother to be sane.

So, let’s go back to my question. If a woman knows that breastfeeding is the best food for her baby, why would she ever give her baby formula? I’ve seen a lot of moms on the internet wonder this. I’ve seen a lot of moms say “Yeah, breastfeeding is hard and miserable for me too, but I kept doing it because you have to do what is best for your child.” And I get it. Parents have to be willing to make sacrifices for their children. Big, huge, life-shattering sacrifices. Being a mother has taught me to desire making those sacrifices.

As a parent, you’re not always going to be able to give your child the best. It’s just not possible. We have all researched that car seat that has the highest safety rating and all the best features and we know it would be the best car seat for our child. Yet, how many of us actually buy that car seat? Do you open up a new credit card and put yourself in debt just to buy the car seat? I didn’t.

I guess I think that it’s possible to make the wrong sacrifices for your child. It’s possible for the cost to be too great. The depression and self-hatred that resulted from my low production was toxic to my family. I had to make a difficult choice to take away “the best.” But the result of that choice was the ability to hold my lovely little daughter in my lap, feed her a bottle peacefully, and know I was providing nutrients to her.

Another benefit of being on this end of that trial is how much I learned from it. I’ll pass that knowledge on to you:

Never, ever tell another mother that she isn’t sacrificing enough for her child. Ever.

I know there is right and wrong and all parents do a lot of things wrong. I just suggest a gentle application of the walk-a-mile-in-her-shoes cliché.

Having said all this, I want to acknowledge the fact that God has called us to keep each other accountable. At some point in parenthood, I’m sure I’ll need a woman to come alongside me and encourage me to do what is best when I want to do what is selfish. We have to walk the fine line between being judgmental and offering constructive advice.

What do you think? When can we live in the community God has called us to and keep other mothers accountable for their actions? What makes someone an accountability partner rather than just a disapproving friend?