Here is the new addition. Photo credit: Brevity Photography
I am currently in my bedroom in a house my husband and I share with my mother-in-law. I am typing on a computer with several missing keys because my toddler has torn them off. My two month old son is in the living room with my husband crying his little lungs out. And I am tired.
Just a few short months ago, I thought that at this point my family would be settled in the cute, little house we were attempting to buy. My toddler was only 18 months old, and while a little rambunctious, she was still the independent, well-behaved baby many moms could only wish for. I was dreaming of a perfect newborn boy who would sleep in my arms as I gently caressed his sweet, chubby cheeks.
Well, the house fell through. The arrival of her younger brother transitioned my toddler into her terrible-twos a bit early. My newborn, while beautiful and so lovely, is not a big fan of sleeping in my arms. He's more in to crying. A lot. Needless to say, my life did not go according to plan. As simple as the plan seemed, it was just not my future.
In fact, almost every plan I've made in the last few years has failed in some way. (See my post, When a Faithful God Says, "No.") Why am I so good at convincing myself that just because God is pushing me in a certain direction everything will work out exactly as I think it should? Why do I get so angry at God and think that He fails me? I know that God sends us down bumpy roads! I know that He is in control of all things! I know that He brings all things together for the good of his people! (Romans 8:28)
In keeping with my promise of candor, I'm gonna be totally honest here. I don't know. I couldn't tell you why I doubt God so much, but He's tugging. He's pulling me back in, and I can tell you it's not because I'm putting any effort into it. He's using everyone around me, piecing it all together, healing my heart with His gospel. I do know that.
Here is what I have seen of His faithfulness so far:
For the month of August my pastor is preaching a sermon series on the Gospel of Grace. It's only just begun, but during the first sermon he reminded the congregation that we are people, innately broken and sinful people. In my brokenness, I still find myself believing that I deserve better. Some where deep down I think that God owes me the future I want. God doesn't owe me anything! I was an enemy to Him and He adopted me. The Gospel of Grace starts with my dead, dry bones and ends with God freely breathing eternal life into those bones and allowing me to spend that life in the joy of His presence. This sermon series was inspired by the Holy Spirit for me. (If you would like to hear the first sermon of the series, find it here.)
Next, my husband and I decided we wanted to read a book together. We selected a few books that we already own, but couldn't narrow it down to just one. So, we left it up to chance. He put the books behind his back and I chose his right hand. Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die is what we ended up with. It is an exploration of the greatest question one could ask: why did Jesus have to die? I know all the Sunday school answers to that question, but in choosing this book for me, God is bringing me back, once again, to His gospel. The fact that Jesus, both fully God and fully man, walked this Earth and suffered and died an ugly death so that I could know righteousness and oneness with Him. He has fit me into His story right where He wants me. This book is for me.
Then a good friend sent me a text just yesterday, reminding me that She Reads Truth was starting a new devotional and she would like me to read it with her. The subject of the devotional? Yep, you guessed it. The gospel. (Find the "This is the Gospel" devotional here. It's free!) It is a series committed to reminding believers that we should never stray from our roots. We should always remember the gift God has given us and that it is a gift. This is something to be grateful for every day, even when it seems really difficult to be grateful for anything. This devotional is for me.
God amazes me when I get the opportunity to take a step back and see all the little "coincidences." His massive creation is woven together so intricately and seamlessly, it is difficult for a blind woman such as myself to see Him working. But God has taken my hand and gently run it over the braille. He has allowed me to see in this moment how he uses His church to place me.
This gospel is for me. And for you. A beautiful gospel of grace offered freely for all.
Just today, I have realized and can see God offering me hope in His gospel. He is bringing me back to basics. I am already in His plan. I need to stop my planning and focus my gaze on Him and everything He has done for me.
So, that's where I am. As ever, I am here in the middle of deep waters. But these waters are somewhere on the edge of God's gospel of grace that goes even deeper. All I can do is cling to the life raft God has thrown me while he drags me closer and closer.