Intentional Thinking

“Thou my best thought,
by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping,
thy presence my light.”
 (Be Thou My Vision by Dallan Forgaill)

There’s a new podcast by NPR called “Invisibilia” focusing on the invisible things that all humans experience which drive our lives. My interest was piqued to find out exactly what forces the show might even be about. I just finished the first episode, which centered around thoughts.

Stop me if I’m getting too complicated here, but even thinking about your thoughts can be a daunting task. It’s definitely not a subject I would expect to find on a mommy blog. Moms pour so much of themselves into the everyday responsibilities that sustain their households, that I’m sure asking you to explore your own mind may seem like I’m crossing some sort of line. I know you’re both physically and mentally exhausted, but I’m going to ask you to stick with me.

Besides, I really think this process of sorting through all the thoughts you have on a regular basis and making the effort to insert better thoughts into your day is just what a mommy needs. While chasing my 15 month old around our apartment, trying to keep her from eating electronic devices, I find a very tired desperation in my mind for something a little less elementary.  There must be more to my thoughts than “What is Emi into now?” or “Did I turn the dryer on?”

There is something more. Let me offer you a little meat to sink your mental teeth into.

One of the stories told in the first episode of “Invisibilia” is about a man struggling with violent thoughts like murder, rape, or images of maimed people and animals. He thinks these violent thoughts so much that he is afraid he’s going to harm someone.

This is one of those things you hear about that you’re afraid to admit you can relate to, like peeing a little when you sneeze. I’m confident in saying that you can all relate to this man, though, because it’s human nature. We are a depraved race, every last one of us.

“As it is written:
‘None is righteous, no, not one.
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.’”
Romans 3:10&11

Ouch. That stings a little. Okay, maybe it stings a lot. The pain, though, doesn’t make it any less true. When our minds are left to wander they go to dark, sinful places.

Like many women, I know the secret cave my mind spends most of its time in is the one that houses all of my insecurities.

I’m fat. I’m a terrible mother. My husband doesn’t even like me. Why would anyone want to spend any amount of time with me?

I,I,I… Me, me, me…

All of these negative thoughts are focused around me, an individual who, on her own, has no righteousness. This self-deprecating, self-centered string of thoughts is sinful for many reasons, but I want to emphasize that it is sinful because it attempts to prey on the image God has given me based on Himself (Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139:14) which is good.

The part of me that always wants to justify my sins argues that my thoughts can’t be sinful because they are not intentional. It’s not fair to hold me accountable for something that I can’t help.

God has an answer to that argument.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.  We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

Also:

“Therefore, holy brothers, you who share in a heavenly calling, consider Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession,  who was faithful to him who appointed him, just as Moses also was faithful in all God's house.  For Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses—as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself.” Hebrews 3:1-3

God’s answer is that our thoughts can be helped. He offers that help. He calls us to take control of our thoughts and aim them toward Him. When our thoughts are on God, they are not on ourselves or on the world.

In Psalm 1, the psalmist writes about the joy of thinking about God. He writes that this meditation nourishes us like water feeds a tree. God kills the wickedness running through our heads because He is the exact opposite of our innate corruption.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17

It seems sort of obvious, doesn’t it? When I’m inundated with terrible thoughts, I should turn to God. I think the problem lies in this belief that our thoughts are unintentional, like we are prisoners to our minds. In this case, a little awareness goes a long way. This Biblical evidence leads me to believe that my thoughts not only can be controlled, but are meant to be good and intentional.

I know that it might seem a little hopeless to try and reel in your sinful mind. For that, I want to remind you that God does not call us to anything that He has not given us the strength for. We don’t have to rely on our own weak-willed, feeble strength any longer. When Christ dwells within us, we are given His strength.

“ No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

He has sent you the way out of those hounding thoughts: consider Christ Jesus. All that He is. All that He does. In Him we find perfect peace of mind.

“You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

Because He First Loved Us

My last post was about breastfeeding, but it also focused a lot on judgment between women. This is a hot topic right now. You don’t have to search your Facebook feed long before you see an open letter or blog post to moms asking them to stop being so critical. I asked that of my readers as well. 

But I think there’s a problem on the other end of the spectrum. At what point do women begin to hold each other accountable? I truly believe women are meant to speak into each other’s lives. God made people to live in communities. God makes life easier by giving us our villages.

That is, life would be easier if we would actually live in community the way God called us to. I find myself longing for deeper, better relationships with the women in my life, and I know women who so willingly offer themselves to me as resources of wisdom, friendship, and encouragement. So, why is it so hard to take them up on their offers?

In Romans 7:15-25, Paul laments about wanting to do what is right and not doing it, about hating the so many wrong things he does do. Not only is this relatable, but it shows me the real problem. God has made me a new creation, but my flesh seeks to keep me in my old, sinful ways. I am not even united with myself, so surely it’s going to be even more difficult to unite with women outside of myself.

Nevertheless, I’m determined. I know it’s possible. Throughout the gospels (Luke 8:1-3, Matthew 27:55-56, Matthew 28:1-10) we see that women followed Jesus together. They left behind sin, watched their Savior die, and visited His grave where they heard the good news: that Jesus had risen from the dead. They did all these things together.

What we really have to wonder now, is what did these women have in common? What knits them into a community? I can’t see many commonalities between the mother of Jesus, a former prostitute, or a woman from the household of Herod. No, what brought them together was Jesus himself.

“I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” John 17:26

Jesus prayed to the Father, desperately hoping that we would know the love and unity that He knows with the Father. Jesus wants that unity with us and He wants us to have it with each other.

I see how our society views relationships between women. Your TV will show you women sitting around, drinking wine, complaining about men and other women. And, really, maybe these “besties” are united. They display a feminine solidarity of “sisters before misters.” That unity, though, is wasted on gossip and silliness. God sees when we come together for sinful purposes. He created multiple languages to confuse the plans of a people who were of one accord. He did this because they were building the tower of Babel for their own glory rather than being obedient to Him (Genesis 11:1-9). We can be united for the wrong reasons, but God's will for us always prevails in the end. 

So, I want to call women to meaningful, beautiful relationships. I want our friendships to resemble a village of people willing to sacrifice in order to raise our children, dry each other’s tears, and cultivate individual relationships with God. I want to call you to this out of love for you because I know that it is God's will for His daughters to bring glory to Him together. And I call you to this because I've tasted the joy of community among friends and it is sweet.  

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1 John 4:19-21

In an effort to be completely candid with my readers, I’d like to end this post with a confession. As I begin a new chapter in my life as a stay at home mom, I tried to come up with many things that would keep me from being lonely. Of course, God convicted me about pursuing relationships with women in my community who have already been more than willing to nurture a friendship with me. Initially, I ignored this conviction. I brainstormed many other things I could do to keep myself occupied. I thought maybe I could read more books. Maybe I should find a podcast series I was interested in.

Maybe I could write a blog…

Yes, friends, this blog that you’re reading right now was one of my excuses to stay in my house in solitude. God, however, had other plans for me. As I was writing down ideas for blog posts, one of the first that God planted in my mind was one about the need for unity among Christian women.

Yeah. I’m a big, fat hypocrite. That’s okay. God’s working on me and He is using the women around me to do it.

On Breastfeeding, Or A Lack There Of

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Maybe breastfeeding is a pretty intense topic to jump right into, but it’s a struggle I’ve been through and it ended up shaping my first six months as a mother more than I ever would have dreamed. Of course, it’s a much talked about and debated subject. I know every mommy has something to say about it, so let’s get going.

At this point in time, I don’t think there is much debate about whether breast milk is better than formula or not. Everyone seems to know “breast is best.” Why, then, do women still choose to feed their babies formula? We’ll come back to that.

First, I want to offer you a perspective from a mother who would weep multiple times a day while trying to feed her daughter… my perspective. I was determined to breastfeed Emilia for at least the first year before she was even born. Once I actually brought this newborn baby home, all I felt was an almost animalistic instinct to keep her alive. It seems like something that should be left unspoken, and maybe I am being dramatic, but early parenthood to me felt like a period of time where the main goal is just to make it possible for this little creature to go on living.

And to sustain that life, a baby’s main need is nutrients. All I had to do was produce that liquid gold and get it into her body. Easy, right? Not so much. I had very low milk production. So low that my daughter would latch on, get nothing, and give up in frustration. The first 24 hours that we had her home, I could not get her to eat and if she didn’t eat I wouldn’t produce. That’s how breast feeding works: supply and demand. We had to give her formula just to sustain her. After constant pumping and attempting to get her to latch on, we finally got the milk flowing. But low production plagued me the entire time I breastfed, which was six months.

The breastfeeding experience as a whole was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Like I said, the instinct to feed my baby was overwhelming, and as a mother, it seemed like it should be the most basic need I could provide for. Yet, my body wasn’t doing it. It just wasn’t producing. I’m not sure I can really put into words the heartbreak of that time. I cried because she cried because she was never satisfied after I fed her. I cried because I hated myself, my body, for not providing. I cried because I didn’t want to face the judgment from other mothers if I decided to quit breastfeeding. I knew so many women would think that I just gave up, and they would think I was selfish for doing so.

The truth is I could have breastfed for longer. I didn’t begin weaning my daughter because I had nothing to offer her. I could have gone on just supplementing with formula for longer, and I chose not to. In a sense, maybe I did give up. My goal in the end, though, was to be a better mother. Sure, breast is best, but at some point I had to look at myself and see what this strain was doing to me and my family. My husband was at a complete loss. There is only so much a man can do to help a woman produce more breast milk. My tiny daughter was constantly frustrated by hunger. And I was at my wit’s end.

Of course I wanted to provide the absolute best foundational nutrition for my daughter and I made the choice to stop because the cost became too great. Formula offered me my sanity back and I took it. Yes, for myself, but also because my daughter needed her mother to be sane.

So, let’s go back to my question. If a woman knows that breastfeeding is the best food for her baby, why would she ever give her baby formula? I’ve seen a lot of moms on the internet wonder this. I’ve seen a lot of moms say “Yeah, breastfeeding is hard and miserable for me too, but I kept doing it because you have to do what is best for your child.” And I get it. Parents have to be willing to make sacrifices for their children. Big, huge, life-shattering sacrifices. Being a mother has taught me to desire making those sacrifices.

As a parent, you’re not always going to be able to give your child the best. It’s just not possible. We have all researched that car seat that has the highest safety rating and all the best features and we know it would be the best car seat for our child. Yet, how many of us actually buy that car seat? Do you open up a new credit card and put yourself in debt just to buy the car seat? I didn’t.

I guess I think that it’s possible to make the wrong sacrifices for your child. It’s possible for the cost to be too great. The depression and self-hatred that resulted from my low production was toxic to my family. I had to make a difficult choice to take away “the best.” But the result of that choice was the ability to hold my lovely little daughter in my lap, feed her a bottle peacefully, and know I was providing nutrients to her.

Another benefit of being on this end of that trial is how much I learned from it. I’ll pass that knowledge on to you:

Never, ever tell another mother that she isn’t sacrificing enough for her child. Ever.

I know there is right and wrong and all parents do a lot of things wrong. I just suggest a gentle application of the walk-a-mile-in-her-shoes cliché.

Having said all this, I want to acknowledge the fact that God has called us to keep each other accountable. At some point in parenthood, I’m sure I’ll need a woman to come alongside me and encourage me to do what is best when I want to do what is selfish. We have to walk the fine line between being judgmental and offering constructive advice.

What do you think? When can we live in the community God has called us to and keep other mothers accountable for their actions? What makes someone an accountability partner rather than just a disapproving friend? 

An Explanation of the Name

I'm a writer, a little bit of a bookworm, and a poet. Naturally, I love a good metaphor. There's a particular metaphor that's been following me around since I was a teenager.

Now floating up and down

“I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be”
(“Into the Ocean” by Blue October)

In high school I would play this song over and over in my room. I knew the pain and angst of feeling completely surrounded by something so out of control. That's what water can do, it can drown you.

When I was 20, God called out to me. He pulled me into Him. A few years later, there was that metaphor again.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep”

But this Christian song offered a little more hope.

“And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine”
(“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United”)

It turns out, though, this metaphor is a lot older than any old song.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2

God knows we are drowning. But we are not in the water alone. God sends us out into the water. He called Noah to the deepest waters, literally.

In Genesis chapter 7 Noah was made righteous in God's eyes by the grace of God. Then God loaded him up into an ark with a bunch of smelly animals and set him afloat.

There's one important bit in this story that's easy to miss.

And those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him. And the Lord shut him in.
Genesis 7:16

Noah and his family followed God's command and then God sealed the Ark up. This is the security that God offers when you listen to His call.

So, here I am, sealed up in the ark of the righteousness God gave me. The waves crash all around. Often I am frightened and feel the anxiety of being surrounded by an ocean that is totally out of my control. But the more I am tossed around, the deeper the waters seem, the more I can see that God continues to hold me in his safety.

Hebrews 11:7 says:
By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.

My prayer is for faith. Not faith of my own but a faith that calms raging seas and walks on water; a faith that calls only on God the Father in times of trouble; a faith that only comes from Jesus Christ himself.

This is the prayer of a mom in deep waters.

Why Do I Want to Write a Blog?

There are thousands of blogs out there for moms by moms, probably hundreds of thousands. So why add to it? Do I have some perspective on life and motherhood that is completely unique and helpful? Maybe… No, probably not. I don’t really believe that what I have to say will be life altering or particularly beneficial to any other mothers.

No, no. My reasons for starting a blog are probably less philanthropic than that. What I really want from this blog is to get the thoughts out of my head. The entire experience of being a mom, a wife, a woman can be lonely. It can be impossible to really put into words without preparation. This experience is not something that can be fully shared over a cup of coffee with a friend. Not for me, anyway.

“Alright,” you may think, “So why not just keep a journal?” The simple answer to that is you. The way that I want to write, the material I want to write about requires a response. I think most women know what it’s like to completely lay an experience or an emotion out on the table and not get a response. I want so badly just to crack my brain open to other women, let the crazy out! But what I need is for those women to tell me I’m not crazy. I know you've been there, I know you've had the same fears.

What about you? Who are you, the reader? Motherhood is where I am, so mothers are who I expect for an audience. But I’m also just a woman, like all mothers. Not every post is going to be about raising children because that’s not the only thing I think about. So my invitation is for all women.

So, let’s relate. Let’s be honest. Let’s relive sweet newborn smiles and share the heartache of those seemingly judgmental looks from other moms in the grocery store.

Now, I've got a less rhetorical question for you, the avid blog reader, to help out a total newbie: When you find a blog that you want to continue to read, what is it that keeps you coming back? What are your favorite features of a blog?