I think I've been pretty open about my struggle with depression, but there's something that's a lot more difficult for me to talk about: grief. I think I made the assumption that because I have depression, grief had less power over me. Sort of like in the first Avengers movie when Bruce Banner says that his secret to not becoming The Hulk when he was angry was that he was always angry. It wasn't that I thought I couldn't feel grief or that it wouldn't effect me, but I thought it was already there.
I was wrong.
When unimaginable hurt came along, it crushed me and grief was what I was left with. Scripture tells us that there is a time for mourning and that our Church family will and should mourn with us, but those things don't make me want to stay in my grief any longer than I have to. That's because these verses and our lives consist of both joy and sorrow.(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, Romans 12:15)
What person in their right mind would choose grief over joy? Well, in my experience, the answer to that question is much more complicated than it seems.
I want to use a lot of words from here on out like "us" and "our" and "we" for a couple reasons. One is that I want you to know that even though your grief feels as if it is yours alone, and no one else in the world has ever experienced grief like yours, you are not alone. And the other reason is to remind you that grief finding its way to you is not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when." We are in this together.
When others hurt us, it's easy to believe that if we are to offer grace to the person inflicting the pain, it devalues our grief. If he or she doesn't acknowledge our pain or if he or she offers us no repentance, how can we offer grace so freely? If that person is hurting us, though, I would argue that they couldn't have had a very high value of our grief in the first place. We do not need that person to value our pain in order for us to offer grace, and in turn to heal.
There's Someone else who does value our pain. Jesus Christ Himself was charged to be a Man of Sorrows (Isaiah 53:3-5). He values our pain because He has felt it, or He would not be the advocate in Heaven we are so desperately in need of. (Hebrews 2:17&18) God collects the tears of sinners, He keeps a record of every sorrow of every one of His sons and daughters, the very same sons and daughters who were once His enemies. (Psalm 56:8)
God places this high value on our sorrow probably for many reasons. But I believe one of them is to validate our grief so that we may have joy again.
Once we realize that our sorrow has value and that it is not dependent on the actions of anyone other than Christ, we can revisit the idea of grace. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm using the word "grace" instead of "forgiveness." I do this because grace is a gift that encompasses forgiveness, but also so much more. God offers His grace as a gift and as many gifts go, it is a package. We open this package and in it we find faith, forgiveness of our sins, reconciliation to the Father, eternal life, righteousness, a relationship with God, and even more than I could attempt to describe. So, we must offer so much more than forgiveness to those who have hurt us. We must offer grace. In that package, we not only find freedom from grief through forgiving another his or her trespasses as the Father has forgiven us. We also find an opportunity (with patience) to have reconciliation, to repair the relationship with the person who has wounded us. This may seem like the last thing we want, to play the fool and open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt again. However, the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that those mended relationships also open us up to the possibility of the joy that is our birthright as Christians. Let's look at this section from Hebrews. It's a bit long but, just stick with me.
"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no 'root of bitterness' springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears."
Hebrews 12:12-17
I'm going to try to sum up my understanding of this verse in the context of my time of sorrow at the hand of another.
When our rightful grief harbors in us ungodly bitterness that does not allow for grace, we are selling our birthright of joy in the Lord and with His people, for the temporary relief of pain that the "forgive and forget" mentality offers us.
God the Father, by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to be heavy laden with His own sorrow and our sin, and the Holy Spirit to draw us in, has reconciled us to Himself. Therefore, we CAN be reconciled to each other, out of grief and hurt and loss and uncontrollable pain. Never discount the ability of Christ to be the foundation of any relationship and in turn, the corner stone of healing and reconciliation.
All this to be said, I'm not there yet. I'm still in the grief, but in this time of sorrow the Holy Spirit, sent to be a Comforter (John 14:16), has already brought all this to me. I realize and beg for all the comfort and knowledge He has for me in a time when I can't seem to get off my knees.
Praise You, God for Your redemption of all things. Thank you, for teaching and pruning me. I'm answering You with a willing heart and an anticipation for the joy that is to be had in Your reconciliation, whatever form that takes. Amen.
