"O Lord, You are my God;
I will exalt you; I will praise Your name,
for You have done wonderful things,
plans formed of old, faithful and sure."
Isaiah 25:1
My husband and I recently suffered a huge blow. I had been laid off of my full-time job, but ultimately, I wasn't that worried about it. My husband, Taylor, was applying for a program where he would be paid to earn his teaching license. The plan was always for me to stay home once he started the program.
I can't tell you just how sure we were that Taylor would get into the program. He has tons of experience, great references, and we were willing to move any where the program would place us. Taylor knows his calling from God is to teach in some capacity. This program was a huge step toward that goal, so we had no doubt that applying was God's will for our little family.
I'm sure you've guessed by now that Taylor was not accepted into the program. We were devastated... but not for as long as you may think.
The night that we received the "rejection email," we both cried and drown our sorrows in ice cream. I was hurt and angry with God.
Weren't we doing what He wanted?
And I was so afraid. I didn't know how long Taylor would take to recover and I didn't know if I was "wife-enough" to be his cheerleader through this. After all, I was disappointed too.
And then we slept. And we woke up. Our circumstances hadn't changed, but our hearts had.
We got up and got ready and went to separate activities with the men and women from our community group. We had shared the bad news with our church family and the girls all asked me how I was doing, how Taylor was doing. I didn't have much of an answer for my husband, but I was surprised at myself after a moment's introspection.
I was fine. Like, really fine. It turns out Taylor was too. We were truly, honestly fine.
I wish I could tell you that we had gotten up that morning and prayed together. I wish I could tell you that we dove into our Bibles because we knew we would find hope there.
Not this time.
This time (and every time) God did the work. He reeled us back into His arms so quickly, we barely knew our eyes had begun to wander.
In the weeks since, I've marveled at this. The pain and anger I felt was monstrous. How did it just disappear in one night? And the burden God lifted was not only the hurt of rejection. We realized that Taylor and I had been subconsciously been keeping our community at an arm's length in anticipation of a move across the state. We were disobediently ignoring this group of believers that God had called us to serve because we thought they would not be our community much longer anyway. Without the impending plan to leave our area, our hearts are free to love the people around us as our family.
God formed these wonders around us in that single night while we slept restlessly, wallowing in our own self-pity. I still cannot fully put my amazement into words.
But here's a little bit about what I've learned about the character of my sweet God:
1. We were being obedient to God by trying earnestly to get into this program.
Like I said, my husband knows his calling is to teach. We prayed about this decision. We never felt any conviction about applying.
God sometimes calls us to pursue something and, by His will, we fail. In this instance God called my family to the journey and not the destination.
I've been in the situation where God has to break all that I am down, humble me in every way in order to rebuild me and make me stronger. That is the testimony of my salvation. And that's what I was expecting again from this rejection. Instead, God broke down all my surroundings, but held me upright. He showed me that as the world crashes down around me, He is faithful to me and my marriage.
"For you have made the city a heap, the fortified city a ruin;
the foreigners' palace is a city no more; it will never be rebuilt.
Therefore strong peoples will glorify you; cities of ruthless nations will fear you."
Isaiah 25: 2&3
2. Disappointment is inevitable.
I am generally in the Piper-esque camp which believes that ultimate satisfaction in life is having pleasure in God and God alone. This mindset, though, can come with a measure of guilt when one feels disappointment in anything. If I am disappointed, I couldn't possibly be satisfied in the sovereign God.
My answer for this guilt is simply that we live in a fallen world. We make plans that eventually cannot stand in God's will. The disappointment that follows will be gone when God brings us home and we can take endless pleasure in that fact.
"It will be said on that day,
'Behold this is our God; we have waited for Him that He might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for Him.
Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.'"
Isaiah 25:9
3. Waiting on God is not equivalent to remaining stagnant.
Often I've heard Christians say that God will embrace you right where you are, He just doesn't want you to stay there. This is true, I don't contest it. I have, however, misinterpreted it.
The beauty of God's timing is that one of its purposes is to build us up. God does not make us wait just to add burden to our weary souls. He is harvesting the fruit of patience. He calls us to be still so that we know that He is taking care of us. His timing is perfect and ever-moving so that we are never left stagnant or luke-warm. In the end, we are left patient and content in Him.
"In the path of Your judgments, o Lord, we wait for You;
Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul.
My soul yearns for You in the night;
my spirit within me earnestly seeks You.
For when Your judgments are in the earth,
the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness."
Isaiah 26: 8&9
4. The secret to faith in adversity is the Gospel.
Okay, so this seems like an obvious one. It's not something I didn't already know at this point in my walk. It's just that so many times the lesson of returning to the Gospel must be learned and relearned.
I was angry at God in that moment of rejection. My faith seemed to have abandoned me. But God still held me close. His salvation, His death on the cross and triumph over sin finalized my adoption into His family.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your doing; it is the gift of God."
Ephesians 2:8
My faith is a gift from the unchanging God. He is ever-faithful and if no one can pluck me from His hand, then certainly no situation can take away the faith He has given to me.
"Oh Lord, You will ordain peace for us,
for You have indeed done for us all our works."
Isaiah 26:12
So that's where I am now. This is where God has put me.
So many times when things don't go the way we want them, we say that we are just looking forward to whatever God does have planned. That's not where I am. I am finding so much joy in this moment, trusting in Him and knowing that this is God's plan. I'm already living it.
It is no longer my prayer that God show me what it's like to look up at Him from the deep waters and not be fearful because I'm there. He has pushed my chin up and I'm staring at Him, bathed in the sunlight of His love and faithfulness, completely grateful for the deep waters. He is good.
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