Not "When?" but "How?"

[Jesus] said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.” Acts 1:7&8

The context of these verses is that the disciples were asking Jesus when He was going to establish the New Jerusalem. The way we might have phrased their question today is "When is the second coming?" But really, in many ways, what they were asking Jesus Christ, God the almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth was "when are you going to do what I want you to do?"

Just like a bunch of little toddlers wanting their snack a little earlier, they were tugging at God's arms, trying to move it to doing just what they want.

Is it wrong to be ready for Jesus to establish His eternal physical kingdom here on Earth? No, definitely not. Scripture even warns us to be ready, to have our hearts filled with love for our coming Groom, lest we be forgotten. (See Matthew 25:1-12)

Where the disciples got it wrong, where I seem to be getting it wrong every single day at this juncture in my life, is attempting to move God's arm.


Behold, the Lord God comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. Isaiah 40:10
God is coming. His might and rule is fair and sovereign. He bears gifts for His children and holy compensation for evil done in the world. His timing is already set and perfect.

Much like in the store when your two year old daughter spots that beautiful stuffed unicorn and cries and screams when you pass it without putting it in the cart. It doesn't matter the amount of whining or how much of a scene she's making, you're not buying her that toy.

Come Christmas morning, however, there is that silly unicorn under the tree. It is gifted at just the right time to show love to a little girl who throws fits in stores.

That's me. A little girl, throwing a fit because my life isn't currently what I expect of it.

"When, God, when?!"

Maybe the question I should be asking is "How can I be obedient to You, Father, in the mean time?" Many times I know I don't ask it because I don't want to know the answer. Maybe I think if I don't ask for a commandment, then I won't be considered disobedient.

Too bad. God's already answered the question. He's already given His command. If we are His children, we have already received power and ability from the Holy Spirit to be His witnesses to the ends of the Earth. To shout to the world about the joys and satisfaction we find in serving Jesus Christ. (See the verse above, Acts 1:8)

Yes, we bear witness of Him by the way we live our lives. We are kind to waitresses. We attend church on Sundays. We donate canned goods to food drives.

But if we are truly satisfied in Him, if we trust fully in His timing, the outward reaction is praising God so that all can hear, expressing our love for Him and His character to people around us.

In order to love God and His character, we must know Him. He has given us a new heart to seek Him. We will find Him in His Word. We will find Him among His people. This is how He chooses to fill our lungs so we can breathe Him out to the ends of the Earth.

So, now, I offer Him my prayer, things that I can only ask of Him:

Lord, help me to love you better. Remind me by the minute that your plan is already in place. Focus my thoughts not on daydreams of what could or might be. Focus my thoughts on you and you only. Lay your command on my heart to share you with everybody. If you are my best thought, fill my mind so that you are all I can talk about. Thank you so much Lord for your adoption and the sacrifice of your life so that we could be family. I love you. I love your word. Please peel away the flesh so that I can show you.

Back to Basics

I may be stating the obvious here, but I haven't posted in a while. So, let me tell you where I am.

Here is the new addition. Photo credit: Brevity Photography

I am currently in my bedroom in a house my husband and I share with my mother-in-law. I am typing on a computer with several missing keys because my toddler has torn them off. My two month old son is in the living room with my husband crying his little lungs out. And I am tired.

Just a few short months ago, I thought that at this point my family would be settled in the cute, little house we were attempting to buy. My toddler was only 18 months old, and while a little rambunctious, she was still the independent, well-behaved baby many moms could only wish for. I was dreaming of a perfect newborn boy who would sleep in my arms as I gently caressed his sweet, chubby cheeks.

Well, the house fell through. The arrival of her younger brother transitioned my toddler into her terrible-twos a bit early. My newborn, while beautiful and so lovely, is not a big fan of sleeping in my arms. He's more in to crying. A lot. Needless to say, my life did not go according to plan. As simple as the plan seemed, it was just not my future.

In fact, almost every plan I've made in the last few years has failed in some way. (See my post, When a Faithful God Says, "No.") Why am I so good at convincing myself that just because God is pushing me in a certain direction everything will work out exactly as I think it should? Why do I get so angry at God and think that He fails me? I know that God sends us down bumpy roads! I know that He is in control of all things! I know that He brings all things together for the good of his people! (Romans 8:28)

In keeping with my promise of candor, I'm gonna be totally honest here. I don't know. I couldn't tell you why I doubt God so much, but He's tugging. He's pulling me back in, and I can tell you it's not because I'm putting any effort into it. He's using everyone around me, piecing it all together, healing my heart with His gospel. I do know that.

Here is what I have seen of His faithfulness so far:

For the month of August my pastor is preaching a sermon series on the Gospel of Grace. It's only just begun, but during the first sermon he reminded the congregation that we are people, innately broken and sinful people. In my brokenness, I still find myself believing that I deserve better. Some where deep down I think that God owes me the future I want. God doesn't owe me anything! I was an enemy to Him and He adopted me. The Gospel of Grace starts with my dead, dry bones and ends with God freely breathing eternal life into those bones and allowing me to spend that life in the joy of His presence. This sermon series was inspired by the Holy Spirit for me. (If you would like to hear the first sermon of the series, find it here.)

Next, my husband and I decided we wanted to read a book together. We selected a few books that we already own, but couldn't narrow it down to just one. So, we left it up to chance. He put the books behind his back and I chose his right hand. Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die is what we ended up with. It is an exploration of the greatest question one could ask: why did Jesus have to die? I know all the Sunday school answers to that question, but in choosing this book for me, God is bringing me back, once again, to His gospel. The fact that Jesus, both fully God and fully man, walked this Earth and suffered and died an ugly death so that I could know righteousness and oneness with Him. He has fit me into His story right where He wants me. This book is for me.

Then a good friend sent me a text just yesterday, reminding me that She Reads Truth was starting a new devotional and she would like me to read it with her. The subject of the devotional? Yep, you guessed it. The gospel. (Find the "This is the Gospel" devotional here. It's free!) It is a series committed to reminding believers that we should never stray from our roots. We should always remember the gift God has given us and that it is a gift. This is something to be grateful for every day, even when it seems really difficult to be grateful for anything. This devotional is for me.

God amazes me when I get the opportunity to take a step back and see all the little "coincidences." His massive creation is woven together so intricately and seamlessly, it is difficult for a blind woman such as myself to see Him working. But God has taken my hand and gently run it over the braille. He has allowed me to see in this moment how he uses His church to place me.

This gospel is for me. And for you. A beautiful gospel of grace offered freely for all.

Just today, I have realized and can see God offering me hope in His gospel. He is bringing me back to basics. I am already in His plan. I need to stop my planning and focus my gaze on Him and everything He has done for me.

So, that's where I am. As ever, I am here in the middle of deep waters. But these waters are somewhere on the edge of God's gospel of grace that goes even deeper. All I can do is cling to the life raft God has thrown me while he drags me closer and closer.

When a Faithful God Says "No"

"O Lord, You are my God;
I will exalt you; I will praise Your name, 
for You have done wonderful things,
plans formed of old, faithful and sure."
Isaiah 25:1

My husband and I recently suffered a huge blow. I had been laid off of my full-time job, but ultimately, I wasn't that worried about it. My husband, Taylor, was applying for a program where he would be paid to earn his teaching license. The plan was always for me to stay home once he started the program.

I can't tell you just how sure we were that Taylor would get into the program. He has tons of experience, great references, and we were willing to move any where the program would place us. Taylor knows his calling from God is to teach in some capacity. This program was a huge step toward that goal, so we had no doubt that applying was God's will for our little family.

I'm sure you've guessed by now that Taylor was not accepted into the program. We were devastated... but not for as long as you may think.

The night that we received the "rejection email," we both cried and drown our sorrows in ice cream. I was hurt and angry with God.

Weren't we doing what He wanted?

And I was so afraid. I didn't know how long Taylor would take to recover and I didn't know if I was "wife-enough" to be his cheerleader through this. After all, I was disappointed too.

And then we slept. And we woke up. Our circumstances hadn't changed, but our hearts had.

We got up and got ready and went to separate activities with the men and women from our community group. We had shared the bad news with our church family and the girls all asked me how I was doing, how Taylor was doing. I didn't have much of an answer for my husband, but I was surprised at myself after a moment's introspection.

I was fine. Like, really fine. It turns out Taylor was too. We were truly, honestly fine.

I wish I could tell you that we had gotten up that morning and prayed together. I wish I could tell you that we dove into our Bibles because we knew we would find hope there.

Not this time. 

This time (and every time) God did the work. He reeled us back into His arms so quickly, we barely knew our eyes had begun to wander.

In the weeks since, I've marveled at this. The pain and anger I felt was monstrous. How did it just disappear in one night? And the burden God lifted was not only the hurt of rejection. We realized that Taylor and I had been subconsciously been keeping our community at an arm's length in anticipation of a move across the state. We were disobediently ignoring this group of believers that God had called us to serve because we thought they would not be our community much longer anyway. Without the impending plan to leave our area, our hearts are free to love the people around us as our family.

God formed these wonders around us in that single night while we slept restlessly, wallowing in our own self-pity. I still cannot fully put my amazement into words.

But here's a little bit about what I've learned about the character of my sweet God:

1. We were being obedient to God by trying earnestly to get into this program. 
Like I said, my husband knows his calling is to teach. We prayed about this decision. We never felt any conviction about applying.

God sometimes calls us to pursue something and, by His will, we fail. In this instance God called my family to the journey and not the destination.

I've been in the situation where God has to break all that I am down, humble me in every way in order to rebuild me and make me stronger. That is the testimony of my salvation. And that's what I was expecting again from this rejection. Instead, God broke down all my surroundings, but held me upright. He showed me that as the world crashes down around me, He is faithful to me and my marriage.

"For you have made the city a heap, the fortified city a ruin;
the foreigners' palace is a city no more; it will never be rebuilt.
Therefore strong peoples will glorify you; cities of ruthless nations will fear you."
Isaiah 25: 2&3

2. Disappointment is inevitable. 
I am generally in the Piper-esque camp which believes that ultimate satisfaction in life is having pleasure in God and God alone. This mindset, though, can come with a measure of guilt when one feels disappointment in anything. If I am disappointed, I couldn't possibly be satisfied in the sovereign God.

My answer for this guilt is simply that we live in a fallen world. We make plans that eventually cannot stand in God's will. The disappointment that follows will be gone when God brings us home and we can take endless pleasure in that fact.

"It will be said on that day,
'Behold this is our God; we have waited for Him that He might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for Him.
Let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.'" 
Isaiah 25:9

3. Waiting on God is not equivalent to remaining stagnant. 
Often I've heard Christians say that God will embrace you right where you are, He just doesn't want you to stay there. This is true, I don't contest it. I have, however, misinterpreted it.

The beauty of God's timing is that one of its purposes is to build us up. God does not make us wait just to add burden to our weary souls. He is harvesting the fruit of patience. He calls us to be still so that we know that He is taking care of us. His timing is perfect and ever-moving so that we are never left stagnant or luke-warm. In the end, we are left patient and content in Him.

"In the path of Your judgments, o Lord, we wait for You;
Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. 
My soul yearns for You in the night;
my spirit within me earnestly seeks You.
For when Your judgments are in the earth, 
the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness."
Isaiah 26: 8&9

4. The secret to faith in adversity is the Gospel. 
Okay, so this seems like an obvious one. It's not something I didn't already know at this point in my walk. It's just that so many times the lesson of returning to the Gospel must be learned and relearned.

I was angry at God in that moment of rejection. My faith seemed to have abandoned me. But God still held me close. His salvation, His death on the cross and triumph over sin finalized my adoption into His family.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your doing; it is the gift of God." 
Ephesians 2:8

My faith is a gift from the unchanging God. He is ever-faithful and if no one can pluck me from His hand, then certainly no situation can take away the faith He has given to me.

"Oh Lord, You will ordain peace for us,
for You have indeed done for us all our works."
Isaiah 26:12

So that's where I am now. This is where God has put me.

So many times when things don't go the way we want them, we say that we are just looking forward to whatever God does have planned. That's not where I am. I am finding so much joy in this moment, trusting in Him and knowing that this is God's plan. I'm already living it.

It is no longer my prayer that God show me what it's like to look up at Him from the deep waters and not be fearful because I'm there. He has pushed my chin up and I'm staring at Him, bathed in the sunlight of His love and faithfulness, completely grateful for the deep waters. He is good.

"Courage, Dear Heart."

I am afraid. A lot.

When I went into labor with my daughter, I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. I couldn't really even put my finger on what exactly I was afraid of.

The pain. A hospital. What if something was wrong with the baby?

There was a whole mess of things to be afraid of.

 But as I sat in the waiting room of the ER clenching the armrests of my chair, I heard an echo in my mind of a line from a children's book:

"Courage, dear heart."

As silly as it may seem, comfort came to me in the form of three little words from C.S. Lewis' The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. In this book, a young heroine named Lucy is in a very dark place... literally. She can't see even an inch in front of her nose. She and her friends are hopelessly lost and beyond frightened. Yet, in this darkness, Lucy hears the familiar voice of Aslan the lion using his sweet pet name for her, calling her to be courageous.

Figuratively, I was in this dark place. I couldn't see past the fear of labor to the joy of finally holding my newborn in my arms. And then I heard those words.

I knew that in that moment God was calling out to me to pull me out of my fear. So, I began to pray. I prayed through most of my labor. Through the nurse's spastic orders. through my curious family bobbing in and out of the delivery room, through pushing and pushing until I didn't think I could push any more, God had a hold of my mind. And then there she was.

God pulled me through the darkness of fear so I could gaze upon this little ray of sunshine.

I don't tell you this story to make myself seem like some hyper-spiritual super-mom who prayed so devoutly while she was giving birth. I tell you this story as a testimony and as evidence to what true courage is.

I am just realizing that courage is not some innate personality trait only a select few are born with. Courage is not something that can be mustered up by your sheer willpower. Courage is a gift.

So often, the worries get really loud and overwhelming because, let's face it, worry is just the voice of your fear. But God is much more boisterous that any worry. He has the roar of a lion calling out over the fear. That ringing in your ears, the echo bouncing around in your brain is Him pulling you back into His comfort.

That's what courage is: peace in the chaos. God, my sweet Father, sees me in the middle of the fray and He arms me with HIS truth, righteousness, gospel, faith, salvation, and with HIS word. (Ephesians 6:13-17). And after He arms us, He calls us to turn our minds toward Him.

"...praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints..." (Ephesians 6:18)

Courage in God is replaying the gospel in your mind like your favorite song, over and over again. Courage is being ready to pray endlessly because you're equipped for it. Courage is the comfort offered by your God-given defenses.

In John 16, Jesus described to His disciples what life would be like without Him. He tells his friends that they will be killed for following Him by people who think they are doing God a favor. If the thought of your mentor and best friend leaving you to be murdered by your enemies doesn't induce fear, I don't know what will. But then Jesus tells them about the Holy Spirit who will come and give them the inheritance of Jesus Christ: eternal life. This is the courage of the disciples.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

So, beloved, take heart for He is always with you. The Lord is always available to your trembling hearts. He has already overcome your fears. Be courageous only in Him.

Intentional Thinking

“Thou my best thought,
by day or by night.
Waking or sleeping,
thy presence my light.”
 (Be Thou My Vision by Dallan Forgaill)

There’s a new podcast by NPR called “Invisibilia” focusing on the invisible things that all humans experience which drive our lives. My interest was piqued to find out exactly what forces the show might even be about. I just finished the first episode, which centered around thoughts.

Stop me if I’m getting too complicated here, but even thinking about your thoughts can be a daunting task. It’s definitely not a subject I would expect to find on a mommy blog. Moms pour so much of themselves into the everyday responsibilities that sustain their households, that I’m sure asking you to explore your own mind may seem like I’m crossing some sort of line. I know you’re both physically and mentally exhausted, but I’m going to ask you to stick with me.

Besides, I really think this process of sorting through all the thoughts you have on a regular basis and making the effort to insert better thoughts into your day is just what a mommy needs. While chasing my 15 month old around our apartment, trying to keep her from eating electronic devices, I find a very tired desperation in my mind for something a little less elementary.  There must be more to my thoughts than “What is Emi into now?” or “Did I turn the dryer on?”

There is something more. Let me offer you a little meat to sink your mental teeth into.

One of the stories told in the first episode of “Invisibilia” is about a man struggling with violent thoughts like murder, rape, or images of maimed people and animals. He thinks these violent thoughts so much that he is afraid he’s going to harm someone.

This is one of those things you hear about that you’re afraid to admit you can relate to, like peeing a little when you sneeze. I’m confident in saying that you can all relate to this man, though, because it’s human nature. We are a depraved race, every last one of us.

“As it is written:
‘None is righteous, no, not one.
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.’”
Romans 3:10&11

Ouch. That stings a little. Okay, maybe it stings a lot. The pain, though, doesn’t make it any less true. When our minds are left to wander they go to dark, sinful places.

Like many women, I know the secret cave my mind spends most of its time in is the one that houses all of my insecurities.

I’m fat. I’m a terrible mother. My husband doesn’t even like me. Why would anyone want to spend any amount of time with me?

I,I,I… Me, me, me…

All of these negative thoughts are focused around me, an individual who, on her own, has no righteousness. This self-deprecating, self-centered string of thoughts is sinful for many reasons, but I want to emphasize that it is sinful because it attempts to prey on the image God has given me based on Himself (Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139:14) which is good.

The part of me that always wants to justify my sins argues that my thoughts can’t be sinful because they are not intentional. It’s not fair to hold me accountable for something that I can’t help.

God has an answer to that argument.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh.  For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.  We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

Also:

“Therefore, holy brothers, you who share in a heavenly calling, consider Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession,  who was faithful to him who appointed him, just as Moses also was faithful in all God's house.  For Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses—as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself.” Hebrews 3:1-3

God’s answer is that our thoughts can be helped. He offers that help. He calls us to take control of our thoughts and aim them toward Him. When our thoughts are on God, they are not on ourselves or on the world.

In Psalm 1, the psalmist writes about the joy of thinking about God. He writes that this meditation nourishes us like water feeds a tree. God kills the wickedness running through our heads because He is the exact opposite of our innate corruption.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17

It seems sort of obvious, doesn’t it? When I’m inundated with terrible thoughts, I should turn to God. I think the problem lies in this belief that our thoughts are unintentional, like we are prisoners to our minds. In this case, a little awareness goes a long way. This Biblical evidence leads me to believe that my thoughts not only can be controlled, but are meant to be good and intentional.

I know that it might seem a little hopeless to try and reel in your sinful mind. For that, I want to remind you that God does not call us to anything that He has not given us the strength for. We don’t have to rely on our own weak-willed, feeble strength any longer. When Christ dwells within us, we are given His strength.

“ No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

He has sent you the way out of those hounding thoughts: consider Christ Jesus. All that He is. All that He does. In Him we find perfect peace of mind.

“You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

Because He First Loved Us

My last post was about breastfeeding, but it also focused a lot on judgment between women. This is a hot topic right now. You don’t have to search your Facebook feed long before you see an open letter or blog post to moms asking them to stop being so critical. I asked that of my readers as well. 

But I think there’s a problem on the other end of the spectrum. At what point do women begin to hold each other accountable? I truly believe women are meant to speak into each other’s lives. God made people to live in communities. God makes life easier by giving us our villages.

That is, life would be easier if we would actually live in community the way God called us to. I find myself longing for deeper, better relationships with the women in my life, and I know women who so willingly offer themselves to me as resources of wisdom, friendship, and encouragement. So, why is it so hard to take them up on their offers?

In Romans 7:15-25, Paul laments about wanting to do what is right and not doing it, about hating the so many wrong things he does do. Not only is this relatable, but it shows me the real problem. God has made me a new creation, but my flesh seeks to keep me in my old, sinful ways. I am not even united with myself, so surely it’s going to be even more difficult to unite with women outside of myself.

Nevertheless, I’m determined. I know it’s possible. Throughout the gospels (Luke 8:1-3, Matthew 27:55-56, Matthew 28:1-10) we see that women followed Jesus together. They left behind sin, watched their Savior die, and visited His grave where they heard the good news: that Jesus had risen from the dead. They did all these things together.

What we really have to wonder now, is what did these women have in common? What knits them into a community? I can’t see many commonalities between the mother of Jesus, a former prostitute, or a woman from the household of Herod. No, what brought them together was Jesus himself.

“I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” John 17:26

Jesus prayed to the Father, desperately hoping that we would know the love and unity that He knows with the Father. Jesus wants that unity with us and He wants us to have it with each other.

I see how our society views relationships between women. Your TV will show you women sitting around, drinking wine, complaining about men and other women. And, really, maybe these “besties” are united. They display a feminine solidarity of “sisters before misters.” That unity, though, is wasted on gossip and silliness. God sees when we come together for sinful purposes. He created multiple languages to confuse the plans of a people who were of one accord. He did this because they were building the tower of Babel for their own glory rather than being obedient to Him (Genesis 11:1-9). We can be united for the wrong reasons, but God's will for us always prevails in the end. 

So, I want to call women to meaningful, beautiful relationships. I want our friendships to resemble a village of people willing to sacrifice in order to raise our children, dry each other’s tears, and cultivate individual relationships with God. I want to call you to this out of love for you because I know that it is God's will for His daughters to bring glory to Him together. And I call you to this because I've tasted the joy of community among friends and it is sweet.  

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.” 1 John 4:19-21

In an effort to be completely candid with my readers, I’d like to end this post with a confession. As I begin a new chapter in my life as a stay at home mom, I tried to come up with many things that would keep me from being lonely. Of course, God convicted me about pursuing relationships with women in my community who have already been more than willing to nurture a friendship with me. Initially, I ignored this conviction. I brainstormed many other things I could do to keep myself occupied. I thought maybe I could read more books. Maybe I should find a podcast series I was interested in.

Maybe I could write a blog…

Yes, friends, this blog that you’re reading right now was one of my excuses to stay in my house in solitude. God, however, had other plans for me. As I was writing down ideas for blog posts, one of the first that God planted in my mind was one about the need for unity among Christian women.

Yeah. I’m a big, fat hypocrite. That’s okay. God’s working on me and He is using the women around me to do it.

On Breastfeeding, Or A Lack There Of

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Maybe breastfeeding is a pretty intense topic to jump right into, but it’s a struggle I’ve been through and it ended up shaping my first six months as a mother more than I ever would have dreamed. Of course, it’s a much talked about and debated subject. I know every mommy has something to say about it, so let’s get going.

At this point in time, I don’t think there is much debate about whether breast milk is better than formula or not. Everyone seems to know “breast is best.” Why, then, do women still choose to feed their babies formula? We’ll come back to that.

First, I want to offer you a perspective from a mother who would weep multiple times a day while trying to feed her daughter… my perspective. I was determined to breastfeed Emilia for at least the first year before she was even born. Once I actually brought this newborn baby home, all I felt was an almost animalistic instinct to keep her alive. It seems like something that should be left unspoken, and maybe I am being dramatic, but early parenthood to me felt like a period of time where the main goal is just to make it possible for this little creature to go on living.

And to sustain that life, a baby’s main need is nutrients. All I had to do was produce that liquid gold and get it into her body. Easy, right? Not so much. I had very low milk production. So low that my daughter would latch on, get nothing, and give up in frustration. The first 24 hours that we had her home, I could not get her to eat and if she didn’t eat I wouldn’t produce. That’s how breast feeding works: supply and demand. We had to give her formula just to sustain her. After constant pumping and attempting to get her to latch on, we finally got the milk flowing. But low production plagued me the entire time I breastfed, which was six months.

The breastfeeding experience as a whole was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Like I said, the instinct to feed my baby was overwhelming, and as a mother, it seemed like it should be the most basic need I could provide for. Yet, my body wasn’t doing it. It just wasn’t producing. I’m not sure I can really put into words the heartbreak of that time. I cried because she cried because she was never satisfied after I fed her. I cried because I hated myself, my body, for not providing. I cried because I didn’t want to face the judgment from other mothers if I decided to quit breastfeeding. I knew so many women would think that I just gave up, and they would think I was selfish for doing so.

The truth is I could have breastfed for longer. I didn’t begin weaning my daughter because I had nothing to offer her. I could have gone on just supplementing with formula for longer, and I chose not to. In a sense, maybe I did give up. My goal in the end, though, was to be a better mother. Sure, breast is best, but at some point I had to look at myself and see what this strain was doing to me and my family. My husband was at a complete loss. There is only so much a man can do to help a woman produce more breast milk. My tiny daughter was constantly frustrated by hunger. And I was at my wit’s end.

Of course I wanted to provide the absolute best foundational nutrition for my daughter and I made the choice to stop because the cost became too great. Formula offered me my sanity back and I took it. Yes, for myself, but also because my daughter needed her mother to be sane.

So, let’s go back to my question. If a woman knows that breastfeeding is the best food for her baby, why would she ever give her baby formula? I’ve seen a lot of moms on the internet wonder this. I’ve seen a lot of moms say “Yeah, breastfeeding is hard and miserable for me too, but I kept doing it because you have to do what is best for your child.” And I get it. Parents have to be willing to make sacrifices for their children. Big, huge, life-shattering sacrifices. Being a mother has taught me to desire making those sacrifices.

As a parent, you’re not always going to be able to give your child the best. It’s just not possible. We have all researched that car seat that has the highest safety rating and all the best features and we know it would be the best car seat for our child. Yet, how many of us actually buy that car seat? Do you open up a new credit card and put yourself in debt just to buy the car seat? I didn’t.

I guess I think that it’s possible to make the wrong sacrifices for your child. It’s possible for the cost to be too great. The depression and self-hatred that resulted from my low production was toxic to my family. I had to make a difficult choice to take away “the best.” But the result of that choice was the ability to hold my lovely little daughter in my lap, feed her a bottle peacefully, and know I was providing nutrients to her.

Another benefit of being on this end of that trial is how much I learned from it. I’ll pass that knowledge on to you:

Never, ever tell another mother that she isn’t sacrificing enough for her child. Ever.

I know there is right and wrong and all parents do a lot of things wrong. I just suggest a gentle application of the walk-a-mile-in-her-shoes cliché.

Having said all this, I want to acknowledge the fact that God has called us to keep each other accountable. At some point in parenthood, I’m sure I’ll need a woman to come alongside me and encourage me to do what is best when I want to do what is selfish. We have to walk the fine line between being judgmental and offering constructive advice.

What do you think? When can we live in the community God has called us to and keep other mothers accountable for their actions? What makes someone an accountability partner rather than just a disapproving friend? 

An Explanation of the Name

I'm a writer, a little bit of a bookworm, and a poet. Naturally, I love a good metaphor. There's a particular metaphor that's been following me around since I was a teenager.

Now floating up and down

“I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be”
(“Into the Ocean” by Blue October)

In high school I would play this song over and over in my room. I knew the pain and angst of feeling completely surrounded by something so out of control. That's what water can do, it can drown you.

When I was 20, God called out to me. He pulled me into Him. A few years later, there was that metaphor again.

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep”

But this Christian song offered a little more hope.

“And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine”
(“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” by Hillsong United”)

It turns out, though, this metaphor is a lot older than any old song.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2

God knows we are drowning. But we are not in the water alone. God sends us out into the water. He called Noah to the deepest waters, literally.

In Genesis chapter 7 Noah was made righteous in God's eyes by the grace of God. Then God loaded him up into an ark with a bunch of smelly animals and set him afloat.

There's one important bit in this story that's easy to miss.

And those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him. And the Lord shut him in.
Genesis 7:16

Noah and his family followed God's command and then God sealed the Ark up. This is the security that God offers when you listen to His call.

So, here I am, sealed up in the ark of the righteousness God gave me. The waves crash all around. Often I am frightened and feel the anxiety of being surrounded by an ocean that is totally out of my control. But the more I am tossed around, the deeper the waters seem, the more I can see that God continues to hold me in his safety.

Hebrews 11:7 says:
By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.

My prayer is for faith. Not faith of my own but a faith that calms raging seas and walks on water; a faith that calls only on God the Father in times of trouble; a faith that only comes from Jesus Christ himself.

This is the prayer of a mom in deep waters.

Why Do I Want to Write a Blog?

There are thousands of blogs out there for moms by moms, probably hundreds of thousands. So why add to it? Do I have some perspective on life and motherhood that is completely unique and helpful? Maybe… No, probably not. I don’t really believe that what I have to say will be life altering or particularly beneficial to any other mothers.

No, no. My reasons for starting a blog are probably less philanthropic than that. What I really want from this blog is to get the thoughts out of my head. The entire experience of being a mom, a wife, a woman can be lonely. It can be impossible to really put into words without preparation. This experience is not something that can be fully shared over a cup of coffee with a friend. Not for me, anyway.

“Alright,” you may think, “So why not just keep a journal?” The simple answer to that is you. The way that I want to write, the material I want to write about requires a response. I think most women know what it’s like to completely lay an experience or an emotion out on the table and not get a response. I want so badly just to crack my brain open to other women, let the crazy out! But what I need is for those women to tell me I’m not crazy. I know you've been there, I know you've had the same fears.

What about you? Who are you, the reader? Motherhood is where I am, so mothers are who I expect for an audience. But I’m also just a woman, like all mothers. Not every post is going to be about raising children because that’s not the only thing I think about. So my invitation is for all women.

So, let’s relate. Let’s be honest. Let’s relive sweet newborn smiles and share the heartache of those seemingly judgmental looks from other moms in the grocery store.

Now, I've got a less rhetorical question for you, the avid blog reader, to help out a total newbie: When you find a blog that you want to continue to read, what is it that keeps you coming back? What are your favorite features of a blog?