On this blog I've written a lot about those feelings that I, myself, and most women, especially moms, have of inadiquacy or of constant failure. I've also always tried to write about some of the ways Christ redeems those things and how He fills in those gaps. Recently, though, the Holy Spirit has been adamant to point out to me the things I'm doing right, especially in my relationships with other people. I've realized that there are points in my life which seem to be happening more frequently where, because of Christ dwelling in me (which is the point to be made), I do actually say the right things or stick around in just the right moments or love someone the way they needed. When we have the proper understanding of human brokenness and God's perfection, it's easy to forget that God not only allows, but is constantly pushing His children toward success.
It's not often I walk away from a confrontational situation thinking to myself, "Wow, that actually went really well. I think I was patient and loving and I said the words that situation called for." I usually second guess my every utterance or I can only see things from my perspective or I lose my patience and say hurtful things. This is sevenfold in an argument with my husband. Now, every couple has little spats and every couple has the occasional, three-day, all out war. A few months ago, my husbamd and I were right in the middle of the latter. To say I was hurt by some of the things he said would be an understatement. Finally during a stalemate in the fight, I told him I needed to leave the house because I couldn't handle the things he was saying to me for another minute. As I was driving away, I began to really see that many of the things had said actually meant that he was hurting too.
I turned around and went back home. I was able to tell him (and maybe for the first time truly mean it) that I was going to stick around and love him even if it hurt, even if he was wrong, even if in that moment the future seemed all but clear.
I have to admit that many other fights at many other times, my go-to defense to being hurt is to hurt back. This conscious decision to love despite having my heart torn up so badly, was not of or from me. It was Christ in me. A few years ago, when my marriage and my salvation were new, my reaction to this fight would have been less than loving, and (needless to say) NOT Christ-like.
John chapter 15 is a beautiful section of the Bible in which Jesus addressed His current and all future disciples. He let them know that He set them all free, former slaves that He now calls friends. He says that this wasn't of our own doing, but that we bear fruit as His followers because of the work done by Him, Jesus Christ, and the Father. He then gives us the commandment to love one another as He has loved us. He's letting us know that through His death (laying His life down for His friends), He has given us the ability to to truly love as He has, it is His love dwelling in us.
This fight was a big moment for me because of the clarity I recieved about my standing before God. He has been faithful to me by making me more like Himself. God's faithfulness to my sanctification increases my faith exponentially. I would argue that these difficulties in marriage or in motherhood or in any human relationship serve to make us more confident believers. It's really not that we are more confident in our abilities to navigate those situations, it is a confidence that our continued exposure to Christ becomes more evident in our actions, therefore we can trust that those situations will be resolved for the good of all of God's children. I can stop fighting for myself because the God of the universe has already won all the battles in my favor. I can be concerned with the welfare of the people I'm closest to because that is the concern Jesus has commanded.
This is the confidence I think I've been waiting for all of my life. It's not body confidence, it's not confidence in my own abilities, it's not security in Earthly posessions. This confidence comes from the Lord who is, among all His other wonderful characteristics, our ultimate confidant: a dependable friend, fully worthy of our trust in all things. I am changed for having trusted Him and I see the evidence in His love pouring out of me and into those around me. In this confidence I can approach God in all my struggles and trust Him to just say "I got this."
While we fall short so often, I just want to encourage all my fellow believers to walk in a way which shows that you know that your failings are not nearly so awful that they cancel out the great victory won for you by Jesus Christ.
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:19-25 ESV
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